One Year of Marriage

A common message my husband and I always received was that the first year of marriage was always the biggest hurdle. Looking back now and where we are today, I truly believe this is a justified message. This blog post is geared towards the importance of communication, and how it is a pillar every relationship needs for success. Enjoy! - Marshé

We started dating in September of 2020 at the height of the pandemic, both of us were essential workers trying to make a relationship happen while still being safe. Our date nights were riding along in someone’s car, grabbing some fast food and just talking the night away. We didn’t have a “first real date” until a little after Halloween with the accommodation of ‘food igloos’ that restaurants were offering to make business while adhering to COVID-19 protocols.

In the beginning, communication was an essential part of our relationship because that was all we could do given the state of things. There would be times we wouldn’t see each other for up to two weeks, but through valuing communication, this was never a hurdle until things started to open up again.

When Gabriel proposed to me, I was so elated (to say the least) and I knew that this was a man I would always work hard for. I knew I never wanted there to be a day he didn’t know I loved him, cared for him, and would be there for him. But something I wasn’t prepared for that hit me along with thousands of other people was social anxiety. I grew so accustomed to it being quiet out, that when the world opened back up again I wasn’t ready to socialize. This fueled my passive aggressive ways, and not having the confidence to say '“No”.

Date nights became hard simply because I didn’t want to be around the DC crowd that rose up again, but rather than expressing this through communication, I dealt with it. This made enjoying date nights cumbersome, not really feeling as if I was there in the moment with my one love. Until one day Gabriel said “you know I know you, and I know you’re not okay. Just talk to me”.

That’s when it hit me: I lost full focus on the essence of what made our relationship beautiful, I wasn’t communicating anymore.

My Wedding Day: Feb. 25, 2023

Tip #1: Speak Up

The following year, Gabriel and I tied the knot on February 25, 2023 at his home church in Washington, DC. We were filled with emotions and I think we both were more relieved than proud to have finally gotten married. As time went on, we both noticed that there was some work to be done, such as my introverted, passive aggressive ways.

Whenever someone would ask me, “Are you OK?” I would simply respond with, “Yes, I’m fine” to avoid having to talk further about why I’m actually NOT OK. I felt that if I talked about my emotions, that I was being a nuisance to someone. I would always ask myself, “Why would anyone want to listen to my problems anyway”. This translated into my marriage, resulting in my emotions overflowing to the point of tears, not really sure as to why I was crying in the first place. It might have been a small disagreement, but I was filled up with so much confusion, frustration, that the only thing I could do was cry.

Communication was the mold of what made our relationship work to begin with by speaking up when we felt something on our minds. I realized I grew comfortable knowing that I have someone by my side and a ring to match that energy, but I threw the bind that kept us together out the window. Understanding that I had to speak and be mature about these issues were crucial in building and maintaining our relationship strong.

Tip #2: Never Go to Bed Unhappy

We committed ourselves to this hurdle of not communicating properly and that we were going to jump through them together, not leaving one behind and holding each other accountable. We ensured that if something was wrong, we put our phones away, turn the television off, and agreed not step foot in the bedroom until it’s resolved. The bedroom is our sanctuary where we pray, laugh, and love each other. Your sanctuary should not be tainted with anger or fear of what one may say to the other. When we lay our heads down, we’re laying our heads down in union and with the faith of God in the middle.

This was the formula Gabriel and I stuck too, and we committed ourselves to ensuring we’re all right mentally, physically, and emotionally too. Regardless as to how many friends you may have, your partner is your best friend, confidant, your food date companion, and everything else under the sun. You should never allow small arguments take away from why you love each other, and this is what we stuck too.

Going to bed unhappy and waking up the same way next to someone you love is not healthy, and neither you or your partner deserve that. This is an individual who is supposed to give you comfort, and by not communicating, you’re doing yourselves a disservice to the foundation of trust initially established. This isn’t to imply relationships are supposed to be perfect, but they indeed take time and work from both parties to aid in what you all want from each other.

Tip #3: Celebrate Every Win

As we celebrated our first year of marriage, we went back to the place where it all started: church. We were able to celebrate where we tied the knot one year ago from that date and the feeling was overwhelming. Having the elders come and bless us, along with Pastor giving us his blessing and continued support of our union.

As human beings, no matter how tough some of us claim to be, having a moment of praise that makes us feel special or seen matters. Whether it’s a connection with a close friend or a compliment from a stranger, these moments encourage and help us understand that we, as individuals, matter.

Celebrating both big and small moments helps to encourage and establish even more trust with our partners, as it shows that they see and recognize the accomplishments that everyday life brings. Saying “I’m proud of you” for doing the dishes, for instance, may seem silly, but to someone who struggles to do chores will appreciate that because for them, it was a task they probably hated but they did it anyway. As frivolous as it may seem, you now have shown that even the smallest things do have meaning, and celebrating that can make that candle burn brighter in darkness.

Continue to love and support one another, because no one can take away your happiness but YOU!

Sincerely,

-Positively the Harpers

The night before Gabriel proposed April 20, 2022